The drive to write feels so strong within me (that sounds very Jedi-ish, doesn’t it? Anyway …). A lot of what I do on a weekly basis involves writing or planning what to write. I feel so compelled to share, not just about the children I lost, but about the God who brought me through.
It can be hard though. Sometimes it’s really hard to balance pursuing this writing dream in my heart with the very normal life I live now. So often it feels like I’m living my life in the 2:30 pm of a Friday afternoon of a classic 9 to 5 work schedule: still with a few more hours left of work, hours that need to be productive, but looking very much forward to the plans I have at 7:30 that night. 2:30 pm still holds purpose in my work day, but it’s so much more exciting to think about 7:30.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I quit. Certainly it would be easier than trying to balance life and dream pursuits. And maybe I’m just making all of it up – all the purpose and influence. Sometimes it feels like I am.
I think that’s the enemy though. When I’m battling for balance – when I suddenly find a quiet twenty minutes to write but my sweet son comes and asks me to play legos – that’s when the enemy knows to discourage me. Because that’s when I’m most vulnerable. I’m most vulnerable when I’m wondering if I’m on the right track and really pursuing what God has for me, or riding a wave of vanity.
Who are you to think you could write something worthwhile? Why would anyone care what you have to say anyway? Why would anyone listen to you?
It’s those times when I remember wise words from a woman far more experienced in the Christian life than I, a woman gifted with language. I asked her how to convey confidence in my voice. I observed, from editing my podcast, that I often sounded bored or super tentative. I asked her how to combat that. She told me, “Speak with the authority God gave you. If you truly feel He’s given you a message you can feel confident to speak with that authority.” Her words changed me.
And not just for my podcast, but for my writing as well. Now when the enemy feels slick enough to come in with those jabs, to rub sandpaper on the parts of my heart that already feel raw and exposed from authenticity, I can combat him. I can combat those attacks with the authority of the Almighty whom, I believe, gave me this message.
Who am I to think I could write something worthwhile?
God’s humble servant who wants to tell the story He wrote for me and show Him as Hero.
Why would anyone care what I have to say?
Because it’s not really me speaking (thankfully). It’s the Lord.
Why would anyone listen to you?
Because I come with a powerful message of endurance and hope in brokenness. And God’s bright light shines through every single crack of that brokenness.
I truly believe I’m running the race God has set before me. And I’m currently working on running that race with confidence.