As you can imagine I’ve felt quite somber lately. Just kind of quiet, subdued, introspective. I am still trying to figure out how to grieve appropriately and find the balance between sadness for my loss and my hope in Christ.
In the months and weeks while I was anticipating Evie’s birth the Lord felt very near. There were many times when it felt like He was speaking directly to me as I cried out in my fear and anguish. But He seems a little more quiet nowadays. He is still speaking to my heart but in a different way. Instead of the almost tangible conversations we had, I feel like the Lord is a little more quiet in His leadings. Maybe that’s what I need right now. Maybe that’s what I need because the questions I am asking are a bit harder to find answers to. Maybe it’s because part of grieving is feeling sorry for yourself that’s not exactly a solid Biblical virtue. I’m not really sure.
I have had theme verses throughout this trial with Evie. I prayed for clean hands and a pure heart (Psalm 24:3-4), thanked God for my daughter who was fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), and desired to have an attitude like Job and accept the good from the Lord as well as the bad (Job 2:10).
And now the Lord has given me a verse for the aftermath:
Wait and see. That’s what the Lord has said to me recently. Good things are coming, but I must wait. How long? Who knows? For what? Not sure of that either. But it is a promise.
And so I wait.