Looking back to the events of last summer, I often get a little queasy-feeling just remembering what life was like one year ago. Lest any of you doubt the level of mental gymnastics it takes to survive moment by moment knowing that the kicking, squirming, tiny beating heart inside of you will soon be stilled by the cold clutches of death, let me tell you, it’s torturous. The memories of those days is still haunting to me. I wouldn’t relive those days for anything. For the record, I would relive the four wonderful hours we had with Evie. Over and over again. To plant soft kisses all over her cheeks, run my fingers along her plump, pink lips, feel the weight of her five precious pounds – yes. But the long, agonizing days anticipating her death – umm, no. No stinkin’ way.
At this time last year we still hadn’t yet had our second appointment with the specialists who diagnosed our sweet girl. I wanted so badly for the reports from the next ultrasound to be completely opposite of what we had heard previously. But, even a couple of weeks before that next appointment, the Lord had given me an answer. An excerpt from my journal:
August 3, 2012
Painful realization this morning … one I think I always knew but didn’t want to face head on.
Evie isn’t meant to be healed.
Since we heard the news and I have been so vocal about the journey, so many people are being reached for Christ. As [a loving mentor] said, I have a platform now and people are listening. Women are emailing me and finding comfort in my words. Even [name of a wayward family member] has been challenged to rethink his/her faith abandonment. I really feel the Lord is using me and wants to see this to the end (Philippians 1:6).
I have prayed, begged really, for healing for my baby. Those prayers somehow seemed hollow compared to the ones for peace and wisdom and direction. I really think God is preparing my heart for goodbye. I desperately don’t want it, but I think it’s inevitable. When I pray for strength to say goodbye, I can almost hear an audible voice say, “I will help you” not, “You won’t have to”. I’m so, so afraid, but I am trusting …
I had been asking God to use me and give me a place to really shine for Him. He gave one to me, I just didn’t realize how much it would cost. But I have sung “Take it All!” and “Take my life and let it be!” Did I really mean it? If so … so be it, all for God’s glory.
Channels only, blessed Master
But with all Thy wondrous power,
Flowing through us, Thou canst use us,
Every day, and every hour.
Looking back, it’s so unbelievable to see how the Lord carried me. The thoughts you see above – utterly and completely impossible apart from the tender love and perfect peace of the Father.
I heard a wonderful woman say these words a few weeks ago, referring to a trial of her own, “I wouldn’t have picked it and yet I wouldn’t trade it”.