This blog was so vital to me during my trial with Evie – a place for me to clarify my thought processes and hear feedback and support from others. Writing did that for me – made things more clear. So that’s what this post is about – putting down in one place all the thoughts I’ve been having since Thursday, even if just for my own sanity.
The truth is, I didn’t feel too surprised with the news from Thursday. Maybe I was braced for it and expecting it. I don’t know. I feel like the news of Evie’s diagnosis completely rocked my worldview. I simply couldn’t wrap my head around such horrifying news. This time? This time I know stuff like this happens. Really crappy things happen to good, nice people who love Jesus and try really hard to live in a way that pleases Him. And it doesn’t mean they are being punished or made a bad choice or that God is somehow displeased with them. It just happens in this terribly sin-filled world. Babies die and beautiful couples can’t conceive and romances are broken and hearts along with them. And people have “things” – broken pieces and hurtful experiences that shape who they are. I guess this is my “thing”.
The first time I wondered how on earth anyone could survive a tragedy like this one. I couldn’t fathom living life with a piece of your heart missing. But now I know how and that it is possible. I know how to lean hard on Jesus. I know we’ll make it. It’s just a really yucky thing to endure again.
This time around I also feel like my heart is bursting with so much awesome around me. Seeing the world through Micah’s eyes and listening to his very well articulated thoughts and feelings about life – it’s a hundred kinds of awesome. And Jocelyn – oh my word. I’ve never seen a happier or more full-of-life little girl. And we’re building, essentially, our dream house and Josh will soon be starting, essentially, his dream job. The sad of losing another baby just doesn’t seem to fit into my world right now. I’m not sure what to do with the unbelievably wonderful and downright awful all at the same time.
What I do know … this baby girl will go to Heaven just like her big sister. She’s not the same as Evie – a little more broken actually. She has the same lung issues that were Evie’s main cause of death. But she also has heart issues, brain issues, clubbed feet, possibly a cleft palate, and possibly some other things that weren’t able to be identified at our first ultrasound (still waiting on the specialist appointment). There’s also the added complication of placenta previa. So even though we’ve been down this road before, this particular road has it’s own set of unique attributes and unknowns. Unknowns are scary.
I also know about all the awful things I have to look forward to. Leaving the hospital with no baby being at the very top of that list. I know I can survive all of it because of Jesus. I just wish I didn’t have to.
Things to pray for:
A miracle. We can always hope.
An appointment to be scheduled with the specialist soon.
The placenta previa situation. These typically end in c-sections, which we’d love to avoid. They can also add other complications which would further complicate an already delicate situation.
Wisdom with how to answer Micah’s questions and address his concerns.
The Lord impressed 1 Peter 4:12,13, and 19 in my heart the morning after we learned this news.
I’m praying really hard that I can figure out what “good” I’m supposed to accomplish this time around. Something new? Something big? Something seemingly small? I guess we’ll see.
My heart. Anticipating having another infant daughter die in my arms is a lot more than I even want to think about right now. I think I’m not really thinking about it, just for coping reasons. But, if you ever had any doubts, it’s kind of the worst.
Strength to live in this weirdness – where my life is full of so much joy and yet anticipating heavy sorrow all at the same time. Strange is the only word I have for it.
And … just being really real here … pray that I won’t look to food for comfort or happiness or an escape. Especially if bedrest is potentially in my future, with the previa and all.
Also, not a prayer request, but saving the best for last … we’ve decided on a name for our precious girl. Baby Kate … Katherine Zoe … “pure life”. I love it and I love her and she has my heart. Considering everything, I still can’t wait to kiss her face.
Thank you friends. You are Jesus to me <3
ps … I’m sorry I don’t have any pictures to share. I don’t have any from the 20 week ultrasound. When I do get some I will share 🙂